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A Mommy's Diary


I have to remind myself every day that I am doing the best that I can to raise Natalia the best way I know.
Being a mom is such a challenging job. Geez, I thought being a stay-at-home wife was tough, to think ahead what to make for dinner, make sure the house is clean including behind the toilets where mold or dust and hair hide. To make sure the pantry had no expired food, and make sure the fridge and freezer were clean. I made sure each morning the house smelled like fresh brewed coffee, and began my day by drinking a hot cup of... --- ok that sounds almost too poetic, but no, I hate hot coffee-- .. warm coffee and just chug it and get my day started.
I was impatiently waiting to meet my baby, well it was more than 6 months before I got to meet her. I downloaded pregnancy apps. I bought books. I read a lot. Every day I would read about the embryo’s development. I would read different apps impatiently hoping each day was something new to learn about it. Reading how the embryo grew from a raspberry size to a pineapple size. Then, we decorated the nursery, arranged her clothes, toys and we were so ready to welcome Natalia months before she arrived.
She’s finally here!!!! My swollen feet, sore back, and healing wound from a c-section could not distract me from the joy I felt to hold her tiny body against mine. She is so perfect-- I must have whispered a thousand times. Then, the real challenge began. Keeping the house tidy was not at the top of my list. I mean, geeeez, my only priority was to keep my child alive. How exhausting it was to have a tiny little body that depended on me for its survival. Wow! Then, the baby blues came. Then the self doubt began. Was I doing a good job? Should I vaccinate my child or not? Should I do organic or not? Should I breastfeed or bottle feed? Should I co-sleep or not? Should I this or that? Yes or not? Am I doing it right or am I doing it wrong? Should I let them kiss her face or not? Am I being unreasonable or not? Ohhhh, yeah, where is my husband?? Poor thing, I hope I didn’t forget about him for too long. Is he still breathing? Of course, he is breathing. While I was barely keeping my head above water, I realized that it was because all along he was right there holding me.
Today I felt like a big failure. I’m trying to wean her off and help her sleep through the night. And it seems though, that all those questions I had when she was just a baby, have multiplied by the dozens. I continue to ask myself if I’m doing the right thing, and if I’m making the right choices. I ask for advice, and the more I ask the more diverted advice I get. I mean they all make sense, but I can’t follow all of them. Yet I ask myself why I asked, but if I don’t ask I ask myself why I didn’t ask and then I doubt myself again if I did the right thing or not. I then have to pat myself in the back and tell myself that I am doing the best that I can, day and night.
One thing that I have learned so far though, is that not only bad experiences make you turn to spiritual guidance; sometimes the best experiences in our lives help us turn to God for wisdom. There is a huge lesson here for me to learn and I hope that if you are still reading this and didn’t fall asleep a few paragraphs ago, that there is one for you also. I can only do the best that I can every day. Some days will be easier, some days will be harder. My faith has become stronger since Natalia was born. I have prayed harder since she was born. A lot of the times we get on our knees and think of God when we face a trial. We suddenly become so burdened we pray to every God out there. For me, I have been on my knees when I had faced difficulties, but nothing more than this second time around as a mom. I pray that I don’t strive to be a perfect mom, but that I strive to be a wise, humble and loving mother to both my kids. I ask God to help me understand that it is ok if I feel helpless sometimes, and that things are out of control. That it is ok that I did laundry a week ago, and that I just remembered i left the clothes in the washer and never remembered to put them in the drier and that now I have to double wash them because the clothes stinks!!! -- real story, LOL
If you ever feel like you cant get it together, you’re not alone! Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33) And just because you feel like you can’t get it together, doesn't mean you are right.

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